jc and um me.jpg

Jesus and I go way back. I grew up catholic and attended Our Lady of The Plains Catholic Church. I loved it. I even had a tiny altar area in my room where I would get down on my knees every night and pray the rosary. At the age of 16 I asked my mom if we could visit a convent. I planned on becoming a nun right out of high school. 

My mom told me to first get my education. I went to college and became a lesbian. 

I always had a prayer through college and into my early adult hood. "Jesus, always lead me back to you. If you are the son of God, I trust that you'll take care of me."

And then I became Jesus.

In May of 2007 it came crashing down. My first manic episode. Diagosed with Bipolar 1 Disorder. In the 3 episodes I've had, I feel his presence. Then the scale tips and I think I'm actually Jesus. I flip between all parts of the trinity. I've thought I was Michael Jackson. Even Elsa from frozen. But the one constant is the man of the hour. 

It wasn't until after this last episode that the thought that I'm Jesus just seemed to linger. On a random day I have the thought. Am I Jesus? At church, a favorite song of mine had the line, "We are one body of Christ." It makes me think that I really am Jesus. That maybe we all really are. That we are all God because we are part of God. That we are all All. 

Historically, Jesus is real. Which kind of blows my mind. In that way I think we all have the ability to follow in his steps. To show compassion. To Love. To create harmony. And in that way, I'm like him. I see myself in his actions. I feel real agony when I see the pain in someones eyes. I feel my heart grow when good comes of the world.

Just don't pray to me. I'll get confused.