Jealousy. Bitter, moldy, stinky, awful jealousy. It either tears up your insides or lurches out on unsuspecting bystanders. Not just bystanders. By the people who take a stand for you. The people that matter most. I feel shackled by the merciless chains of jealousy and I feel like I was never given the key. Or moreso, that I never really looked for the key. 

My jealousy has been a big wedge in most of my relationships and I don't think I'd be too far off to say several of those relationships fizzled in part because of jealousy. 

I took a look in the mirror today and scanned up and down. I looked at my face, aging. My hair, slightly graying. I thought, "Do I really want to grow old with this thing?" I know letting go of it would be a great weight lifted. This weight that I've blamed myself for all these years. Whipping myself and making myself bad and wrong for having this "thing." 

So it seems I'm discovering a nasty cycle in my life. Get jealous, come to my senses, hate myself for saying what I've said, feeling like I've conquered it, repeat.

I won't grow old with this thing. I will grow with this thing. Jealousy is also my teacher. It shows me where my insecurities lie, it allows me to work on being more mindful, and gives me opportunities to practice being gentle with myself. 

So f*ck you, and thank you, jealousy.