I set my alarm. No. I set 3 alarms. 3 alerts to get up. 3 reminders that it is time to start doing things. I find myself writing lists. Trying to do as much as I can in a day. Sometimes I have a hard time getting up in the morning and the longer I lie awake the louder the "do" voice becomes. The bigger the mound of guilt and shame bubbles.
In those rare moments where i've done all that needs to be done I ask myself, "What else can I do right now?" For me, if it's not running an errand, it's writing a song, practicing, drawing, arranging parts for vocals, starting a new illustration book. It made me realize that doing doesn't end.
I come from a line of doers. My parents own and run the farm I grew up on. May Farms (go to mayfarms.com for more info) It isn't just a farm. It's an event space. I could call my parents any day of the week and they will have at least 3 new events to talk about. The 5k that will take place on the farm, the pumpkin patch and corn maze, weddings, hot air balloon race. You name it. My mom always reminds me that they are lucky to be so busy. That she is lucky to have the use of her body to work. In a lot of ways she is right.
What I've discovered is it's in the time of being where I actually find what is worth doing. It takes two seconds for me to actually commit to meditation. Those can be the hardest 2 seconds sometimes. If I convince myself that I could be doing something better I will. Sometimes the meditations last 10 minutes. Once my eyes close and the ringing of my ears becomes evident I'm tuned in. The worries of my life surface in a different way. My non-judgmental and compassionate mind is able to navigate without the chaos of the day and the constant input getting in the way. I'm just here and here is enough. Right now, I'm alive. Right now, I'm safe. Right now is all I have so in reality, everything is good.
It's in the silence of existing in which answers surface. Like a rubber ducky in the bathtub. The more I practice being, the easier it is to do my day to day. But the more I do, the less time I have to sit in vigilance. To observe what is truly going on. So instead of asking myself what I'm going to do today, I'll try and be content with the fact that I'm just here. And that is more than enough.